Goal: to use feelings and descriptive words.
Shark Attack
DRAFT ONE:
There I was floating on my board relaxing in the sunlit ocean, feeling the heat on my back. Until suddenly! Something was attached to my leg, I spun around and saw a humongous g-g-gr-great white sh-sh-sh-shark!! I started kicking, thrashing and punching trying to get away. I threw myself off my board and paddled away, every few seconds I looked over shoulder to see if the shark was still coming at me, it turned out was following me. Feeling panicked my
swimming got slower instead of fast because I was panicking. I heard this roar (I thought it was the sharks tummy) instead it was two jet skis and a rescue boat coming to save me, I still felt a little shaky as I scrambled on the boat and
headed to the shore. Now that I was safe on shore I was sure that I was never going to surf again.
DRAFT TWO:
There I was floating on my board relaxing in the sunlit ocean, feeling the heat on my back. Until suddenly! Something was attached to my leg, I spun around and saw a humongous g-g-gr-great white sh-sh-sh-shark!! I felt panicked even more than anyone else, I started kicking, thrashing and punching trying to get away. I threw myself off my board and paddled away, every few seconds I looked over shoulder to see if the shark was still coming at me, it turned out was following me. Feeling panicked my swimming got slower instead of fast because I was panicking. I heard this roar (I thought it was the sharks tummy) instead it was two jet skis and a rescue boat coming to save me, I still felt a little shaky as I scrambled on the boat and headed to the shore. Now that I was safe on shore I was sure that I was never going to surf again.
Isabel I like how you wrote g g gr great white sh sh sh shark. Maybe next time you could make the writing a bit bigger.
ReplyDeleteI loved all the descriptive words in your story Isabel but maybe next time you could put more feelings.
ReplyDeleteGreat story Isabel i like how you put g g gr great and sh sh sh shark it looks like you are so scared
ReplyDeleteGreat story Isabel i like how you put g g gr great and sh sh sh shark it looks like you are so scared
ReplyDeleteI love the bit about the you thinking that the noise was the shark's tummy and I love how you put it in brackets! Well done. You've used some great words and let us know how you were feeling by talking about g-g-g wh-wh- white, etc.
ReplyDeleteNear the beginning you used an exclamation mark when you said 'until suddenly'. In this case I think ... would have been better than an exclamation mark. An exclamation mark can only be used at the end of a sentence (because it is like a full stop). Can you see if you can make some changes around this sentence?
great story and punctuation. I have nothing to say about a fix up.
ReplyDeleteby liam.